Sarita (00:00.353)
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Back to Here with Sarita. I'm so glad you're here today because I am going to be sharing with you a place in where I am right now. And this is a very unfiltered and authentic, uncut episode where I will be sharing with you exactly where I am right now. And I may come as a little bit of a surprise to you because a lot of my other podcast episodes I've been
more reflecting on like past experiences and things that I've learned. And so this episode will really catch you up to speed of where I am right now in 2024, March, 2024. So the reason that I am sharing this episode is because I want to stop being the person that is hiding and not fully sharing their experiences.
I acknowledge that that has been something that I've been doing in the past, especially over the last probably 10 to 12 weeks or so of this year. And I realize a lot of it has to do with the fear of being judged and the fear of people not really knowing or understanding where I am. And then also this like stigma that occurs a lot of times when it comes to women and especially even as like friends.
with other women is that there's this like fear of not wanting to project our problems on other people or someone just doesn't want to even hear my problems, right? And so before I get into all of that, where I am right now, I definitely am going to be setting this stage for you. So especially for those of you who have, are just joining me for the first time or are new listeners to this podcast and may not know me or maybe not know me at all, like personally.
but just wanting to share with you kind of a basis or a background so you understand where I am now. And that's kind of how history works, right? And so to understand where we are now, we have to look at the past to really evaluate what's happening. So if you're joining me for the very first time, thank you so much for being here. I'm Sarita and this particular podcast really is about anything that has to do more heavily around healing, self -love,
Sarita (02:17.247)
manifestation. Those are the areas in which I really love focusing on and this particular episode we're probably not be focusing so much on that but it all does tie together. That's the beauty of those three things and what I stand for really clearly is those three things which is the self -love, healing, and the manifestation journey. So again like I said this episode is going to be raw.
and sharing more of like the shadow side of me. And I really hope in sharing this with you that it'll inspire you to be a little bit more authentic in your own life and be more true and honest with where you are and evaluating your fears. And then also too, I really hope that going forward that this will crack me open to be a lot more authentic.
and raw and sharing my own personal experience as I go and not necessarily like months and months later like I have done on this podcast show. So let's get into it.
Sarita (03:27.713)
So I shared on my Instagram stories a couple of days ago how exhausted and beat I have been feeling over the last 12 weeks of this year. Since my transformational journey that I went on to Sedona and the last podcast episode that released, episode 32 did talk a lot about that. And so right now for the last 12 weeks of this year, I have been doing the bare, bare minimum of life, really.
I have been taking care of myself, yes. I've been eating really well. I've been meal planning. I've been doing a lot of weight lifting and getting a lot more in shape. So I'm really grateful. And I've been getting a lot of sleep and taking a lot of walks and just being really with myself and taking care of myself in the most physical, physical way. And so as I was reflecting on this particular podcast episode, I was thinking about like, what is this exactly?
And so I see it as that I've been on this like self -care diet and not taking in any additional energies but my own, right? So taking care of myself in the most minimal way. I haven't been watching a lot of TikTok videos or real videos or getting on social media too much and consuming a lot of information that way. I haven't been in any programs. I don't have a coach at the moment.
I am just really being mindful of the energy that I'm taking in and protecting my energy at this moment. So it's like my self -care diet. And I believe it's in response to the things that I'm going to share with you, that it's almost like a safety mechanism that I'm going through right now, my self -care diet. And it's not necessarily intentional. I think it's in reaction to.
the things that I'm gonna share with you. And so before I divulge into the present exactly where I am, because I really want you to understand, especially if you're new to this podcast and you don't know me personally, I want to step back a few years so then I can set the stage for you to show you kind of the journey of where I have been so you can understand where I am right now.
Sarita (05:52.833)
So if you can go back with me a few years, rewind, it is this time in 2019. And it was a very transformational, monumental transformational time for me. My little Scruffy had just passed away. I had said goodbye to him. He had been my companion for over a decade, and he was somebody super, super special.
And so after he passed away, I felt like it was the first time in my life since I was like in my twenties that I actually was able to start evaluating like myself as a person and like take care of myself. Yes, I was still in a relationship dynamic, that relationship, my partner at the time had children. And so there was definitely that I was still in a relationship. I had, you know, uh, children, I shouldn't say my children, but his children that were part of that dynamic. So.
I started to evaluate where I was and I realized how unhappy I had really been for so long, not just in my relationship, but also with the job that I was working and my weights and like my health and just all these things. And so I decided very, very abruptly at that time in 2019 that I really wanted to quit my nine to five insurance job that I had been working for about 15 years.
I wanted to give the middle finger to them so badly. The company had really been falling apart. There was a sexual harassment scandal that had occurred that I had brought to the front of the lines. And at that time, I really felt like I was the black sheep because I had brought it to their attention and really uprooted a lot of the insurance company.
Unfortunately, after the turnover of a lot of people leaving and it was placed in the hands of somebody that I felt like was very incompetent and not very good at leadership. And so I knew at that time it was just my green flag to let go of that job. And so on my birthday, unfortunately, I had requested my birthday off three months in advance. And unfortunately, that person.
Sarita (07:56.641)
due to probably some very personal reasons, animosity towards me, decided not to let me have my birthday off. And so in reaction to that, as an Aries, very impetuous, I decided to write up my resignation, give him the middle finger and like walk out the door. And what I really wanted to experience at that moment was this sense of freedom. But for some reason I was feeling so stuck in a rut because I was so unhappy and I thought, oh, if I just leave my job, things will get better. Well,
The universe had a much more grandiose plan for me than just that. So a lot of, like a lot of people in 2020, there were a lot of people that had to spend time with their significant others day after day in close proximity with them. And so you, you experienced, you got to experience a side of a person that maybe you didn't see.
or maybe things were coming to light that you didn't really like you were in denial about. And so that's what occurred was my relationship was really put on like a magnifying glass. And so it made me start to evaluate like where I was in my relationship, not just, you know, having the job, not having the insurance job was like a factor, but also the relationship was a factor. And I realized how unhappy I was feeling within my relationship. So,
Not that much later, so it was 2020. And at the end of the 2020, I decided to join this very large transformational group coaching program that allowed me to get the confidence that I needed to actually end and break off my eight -year relationship. And for anybody, and I've shared this in past podcast episodes before, and I believe it was one of my first podcast episodes where it was healing after a breakup. There's...
series, two series, part one and part two are really go into more detail like the actual healing of the relationship. And so if anybody has gone through a breakup before or a divorce or any kind, it is so challenging to start life literally all over again. And that is exactly what I did. What should have felt like a very empowering situation leaving
Sarita (10:17.451)
starting anew, getting a fresh start, actually felt so... I felt like such a failure in so many ways. And in some capacity, that ripple effect, feeling of failure still lives with me nowadays. So fast forward, it's summer 2021. I just moved out.
of my relationship into a new home with the present roommates that I live with now. At that time, I was working part -time as a bartender. My business was making absolutely no money. I had no clients signing up. And after moving into my new home and spending money on the things that I needed for my new home, because I left with absolutely no furniture, I think I...
left with like one table and that was it. I didn't have anything else. Oh, I had my vanity and that was it. I had no other articles of furniture. So I had to buy certain things like a bed and a dresser to fit in the eight by eight bedroom that I currently live in right now. And after that, I realized I had $200 in my bank account.
Meanwhile, what was occurring, not only that happening and post breakup, I decided instead of taking some time off in between relationships, I decided to rekindle an old flame and relationship with a man that I thought at that time for a long time, I thought that he was the one that I was meant to be with. And I was hoping, I think at that time kind of reflecting back on the version of me that was going through this, I think.
There was a part of me that really truly believed that he would save me from my situation. I wouldn't say necessarily financially, but just my situation in general. I think there was this desire or want for him to heal me and to save me from this relationship, right? The knight in shining armor. And so I was forced to face my reality, face my financial situation, face,
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everything that had occurred, again, I had just broken up. I was in a new place. I felt heartbroken. I felt like a failure. I literally needed a miracle. And I was broken emotionally, shattered. And so by fall 2021, I was very fortunate that a miracle did come in a form of a scholarship for an amazing manifestation, healing, and spiritual program.
that I went through. And so I decided at that time that I needed to jump a lot more heavily into not only digging deeper in myself, but really healing the parts of me that I knew needed healing because my world had literally crumbled around me.
Sarita (13:22.465)
I realized at that time, or what I thought that I wanted at that time was money. And I thought money was just if I'd had more money, if I just have more money, then my problems would go away. If I had more money, I would be able to experience life a different way. But it wasn't that I needed more money or wanted more money. It was more about the fact that I wanted to have the experiences that money would provide me.
I realized that during my relationship, especially during the pandemic and everything that I just wasn't able to afford really nice things for myself, like clothes or like getting really nice organic meals for myself and prepping like really good foods or having my own car or having like these luxury experiences like getting a facial or going to the spa. I just hadn't done that kind of stuff for so long. And I felt like it was, I felt like I was suffering in a way.
And so January, 2022 rolled around. I was still in this amazing program and I got the opportunity to return back to full -time work. However, this time the work was being able to work from home, AKA kind of work from anywhere. I was so very grateful that I had actually manifested a way in which that I could make money again. But I also felt...
deeply ashamed of what people would think. I felt like I was a complete failure, like failure with a capital F, that I had to return back to work full time and that I hadn't made money in my business. And so instead of sharing this with friends, instead of sharing this on social media, instead of sharing
you know, the amazing manifestation of a full -time job again, because I hadn't had a full -time job since 2019. Fast forward, it was January, 2022, the pandemic had happened. Instead of that, I decided to keep up the facade, keep up the image that I was a full -time coach and that my life was this like beautiful, great, fluffy experience and everything was woo woo.
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And even the people that were around me, like even some of my friends didn't know or I didn't disclose to them that I was working full time. And so they thought that I was getting my money through my coaching business and people in my email and people on my social media and all that people that were friends of mine before they literally thought that I was making money from coaching full time. And some of them knew that I was still bartending or had been bartending. So.
They felt or they knew they thought that I was a successful person when in reality what I was doing was keeping up this facade that, oh, I was that girl that quit my nine to five job, did the middle finger, and now I'm living my dream life. When in reality, I wasn't necessarily living my dream life. I was actually really, really unhappy.
And yes, grateful that I had gotten back to full -time work, but also fearful of what people would say when they found out. Meanwhile, that rekindling relationship that I was knee deep in, in January, he decided to move back to the state where he grew up in. And we attempted a long distance kind of getting to know each other. And I was fully, fully, fully committed.
and dedicated to this dynamic so much, but I kept getting met up with resistance and more and more the resistance. The more I pushed, the more I wanted, the more I was getting resistant. And so all of this said, since January 20, what was that, 2022,
or I should say since, yeah, since January, 2022, or actually even before that, I would say rewind back to July, 2021. I felt like a complete failure with a capital F, right? And then on top of that, going back to regular full -time work, I felt like even more of an entrepreneur failure. I felt like a failure in so many ways in my life. I felt like a failure in relationship. I felt like a failure with my money.
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I felt like a failure with my entrepreneurial endeavors. I felt like a failure for not being able to blossom a new relationship. I felt like a failure with my health because I was drinking a lot more again. I felt like a failure because I just felt really, really unhappy. And so the feelings of feeling like a failure made me feel even more rejected every single time I posted on social media or got, you know,
got in a new relationship or with men. So I felt like a failure, a complete failure and rejected by social media. I felt rejected by men. I felt rejected by money. I felt rejected by love. I felt rejected by life. And so 2022 was a really, really challenging year. Keep in mind, I had started that...
healing program in September 2021 and it really made me go deep with myself. That program ended about February, March 2022 and then I had another program start and that went through June. And so by June in 2022, I was just, I had cracked myself open so wide that I didn't even know what to do with the pieces.
I struggled a lot in 2022 and I decided by June after I'd cracked myself open that I just would do the minimal that I wanted to just work my nine to five job, make my money, try to eat healthy and work out. But unfortunately, like the person that I have been in the past, I kept falling back into self -sabotaging behaviors. I started drinking a lot.
Even though I was showing up on social media as though I had this like perfect quote unquote life living by the beach and being able to, it looked like I was making money as an online coach when in reality I wasn't, I still felt really unsettled and unhappy with my life. And I felt like,
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in the end of kind of near the end of January or excuse me, near the end of 2022, I started to prepare for this podcast being released. And I was reflecting on my journey. And I just felt like no matter what I did reflecting on 2022, I felt like it wasn't enough. And that's how I felt like in my eight year relationship is that.
I was trying to give and it wasn't enough. Like I wasn't being seen, I wasn't being heard, I wasn't being appreciated the way that I wanted to. And so I kept getting this experience of not getting enough or not feeling enough. And so I constantly feeling like I wasn't healing enough or I wasn't eating well enough or I wasn't making enough money or I wasn't, you know, people were not paying enough attention to me.
not enough people were buying from me. I wasn't giving enough. Like it just felt like I wasn't like enough, enough, enough. And like I said, by June, I felt like the pieces were scattered all around me and I didn't even know how to put those pieces together. And so I took from June, 2022 until December, just to do the basic, the basic taking care of myself.
And yes, I did launch this podcast, which was amazing. It's one of the few things that I did for myself and then for my audience. And I'm really grateful that I have this platform to be able to do that, to be able to share all this with you. And it was in January, 2023 that I did launch the podcast. But when December, 2022 rolled around, I really wanted to make the next year a lot more intentional.
Um, the last like year and a half since the breakup was like so tumultuous that I really, really wanted to make 2023 a year, which I expanded. And I think when I thought of expansion, I thought of the expansion like this way, kind of like an accordion expanding like larger and larger. And I had it in my mind that through the expansion experience that I would just be making a lot more money that I would be expanding my business, expanding the capacity.
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of not only myself, but like being able to get more clients and more people into my funnel and, and to have people buy my products and sign up for my services. And what I didn't realize was I was still coming from a place of so much scarcity that December, 2022, like I was still coming from such a place of scarce scarcity that all I really wanted because I wasn't receiving.
that in the relationship dynamic with the person that moved away or my ex or I wasn't receiving it through my friendships or I wasn't receiving it through my business was that I just really, really crave so much to my deepest, deepest core. I craved love and attention. That's what I wanted. I wasn't getting enough of that from my business. I wasn't getting enough of that from my friendships. I wasn't getting enough of that from life in general.
And at the time, I didn't realize, I know this now as somebody who has experienced it and done a lot of reflection work, but I didn't realize at the time as I was going into 2023 last year, that not only was it coming from a place of scarcity, but that I was looking outside of myself for a sense of completeness. I was literally looking outside of myself for a sense of completeness, not only in my business.
not only in my like love life, not only in like my health, like just in life in general, like I was literally looking outside of myself. And I share this in episode, if you want to go back and listen to my reflections, I share this in episode 16, which was released last year, mid year, which kind of was kind of my first epiphany. And then my episode two, uh, two times ago, which is episode 31, where I share with you myself, love.
journey and my self -love refractions. And especially how I have looked at my relationships with men more, I would say more specifically than my relationships with like friends and my relationship to my business, but more heavily in my relationship to men that when it related to love and my worth and my value that the more that I gave, the more that I gave,
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the more equated to my worth and my value.
So it's now 2023, January 2023, and I decided.
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So now it's December 2022 and I made the intention for January that not only did I want to have an expansive year, but also that I really wanted to start dating somebody local because that long distance thing just was not working for me. And so what I didn't realize in 2023 was the more things that I did to seek completion outside of myself, the more and farther away I got from myself.
by the fall in 2023, I finally understood at my core level, the deep seeded belief that my worth and my value equated so much of the energy that I put into relationships or my business, right? That's not a real story. It's not my authentic truth, but I believe that so wholeheartedly. I believe that on such a core level.
that it broke me and so by October of last year, I felt so depleted emotionally, physically and financially. And again, I share this in episode 31 where I reflect on these things specifically. The things I learned in 2023, it was almost as like it was an accumulation of my whole life wrapped up in one year and it came to a head.
last year in 2023. The idea or beliefs that I had no boundaries with myself, that I was drinking excessively, I was eating unhealthy, I was having just sex to feel fulfilled, I was seeking my worth and value from people, I was seeking completeness outside of myself, I was throwing money at my business in hopes that it would just heal itself. I was getting upset at people literally watching my stories and not commenting on
anything that I had to say. I was frustrated that I was churning out podcast episodes and not getting any sales from it. I was annoyed at myself that I was spending money that I didn't have in order to feel better about myself. I was heartbroken that nobody was buying my services for my business. I felt like a complete spiritual fraud because I was showing up one way.
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and then feeling another way. I felt so bitter that I had to work full time and I couldn't work on my business full time. I was jealous of other people that I saw on social media making it look so fucking easy. I was even bitter at my one -on -one coach that I hired last year that she made it look so easy and she would be making thousands and thousands of dollars with barely doing any work.
I was irritated at my body that I was trying to lose weight and I just couldn't get those pounds to come off. I was upset that nobody enrolled in the program that I was trying to roll out at the end of last year and that was launching at the beginning of this year. I was frustrated that my digestional issues were so out of hand that I was having headaches on the regular. I was so heartbroken, heartbroken that...
I had been rejected by three men in a row. My relationship of eight years, the dynamic that I was trying to create with somebody outside of state and then another person here locally. I was a complete and honest mess. And when December, 2023 rolled around, I knew that my trip to Sedona was going to be monumental in my healing.
I knew that it would help me release a lot of that stuff, but by October, I was just, I could not believe how I had showed up not only in 2023, but like my whole entire life. And yes, the Sedona trip was monumental and it did help me release a lot of the baggage that I had been carrying around with me for so long.
But just to rewind a little bit, September of last year, I felt so heartbroken from not just a relationship, but just how I had showed up. And so even though I went to my Sedona trip, even though I went through an amazing sweat lodge ceremony where I released so much, even though I was, I had a transformational experience just being there in a magical, uplifting city.
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I felt like when I came back in January back to San Diego that those pieces that I had deconstructed everywhere, just like imagine there was a puzzle being put together or there was a puzzle being put together and it was complete, but it was all a disarray, right? All the pieces were.
jumbled up and it wasn't making like a beautiful picture. And so what I did with my healing journey was to basically unhinge like all those puzzle pieces, throw them everywhere, scatter them everywhere. And so what I've been feeling like I've been doing for, it feels like for the last three and a half years, and most recently, a lot more aggressively these last 12 weeks since January is putting these pieces together.
back into me. And so when I decided to draw my energy back into myself, realizing all this stuff happened, right? And in 2023 and back when I decided to start my healing journey, when I made the realization, the epiphany realization of all the ways that I had been
working with life or navigating life and approaching life in September. And that's why I felt so heartbroken that by December releasing so much of that, right? And making the intention of releasing the parts of me and animosity towards the version of me that actually showed up that way. I came into 2020 for hoping that it would just magically be a better year.
because I had had this like transformational amazing experience in Sedona. But once it came back from Sedona, back into the mundane and the everyday, I realized that things really hadn't changed too much and that those pieces were still laying everywhere. And so it was very interesting what actually occurred and this was not an intentional thing by any means. And I believe this could have been, or I should say this could be a stage of grief.
Sarita (32:30.337)
was that when I decided to pull all my energy back into myself, I noticed something that occurred. I noticed that when I started to pull all that energy back into myself to take care of myself, that I started to become closed off. I started to become reluctant. I started to become skeptical and bitter and angry and resentful. I felt rejected. I started feeling really defensive.
I was kind of feeling a little salty. Like my walls went up. My shield went up. I acknowledged that I became somebody that was angry and resentful and bitter for all the things that occurred. And looking...
at this reflectively because I'm just coming out of that stage right now, kinda sorta. I'll share with you where I am right now because I'm kinda reflecting more on January to the point right now and where I believe 12 weeks into the year is that I realized that my walls and my shield went up and it could be in reaction. It could be in response to all the heartbreak.
all the feelings that I was feeling, all the not enoughness, all the looking for completeness outside of myself, all the things, right? All the ways that I used to be. And so where I am now in this present time since January is that I acknowledge that I've been in this major winter mode and almost in a state of depression and doing the bare bare minimum of taking care of myself. Like I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, I'm on a self -care diet.
And like I said, it wasn't intentional by any means. The intentionality only was to draw in the energy back into myself. I didn't expect to start feeling those feelings. I didn't expect to start feeling closed off. I didn't expect for my animosity and like my defensiveness to kind of kick in. And so I've been doing the bare minimum of taking care of myself. I have not been posting on social media.
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I have no revenue in my business right now. I don't have any coaching clients. I'm not dating. I'm doing minimal, minimal, minimal, right? And so what I am doing is the bare necessities of physically taking care of my body. I'm working out. I'm weightlifting. I'm eating healthy. I'm working my nine to five. Yes, I'm doing podcast episodes, but I'm doing like the bare bare minimum when it comes to this podcast at this moment. And.
During the last 12 weeks, it has made me feel guilty. I felt really, really guilty for not showing up in my business. I don't have a business right now, to be honest with you, because a business is a business when it makes money. And when you're not making money, you just have literally a hobby. And so I had somebody recently say, oh, your podcast, that's so cool. It's like a hobby, right? And I was like, oof, that was really, really blunt. But.
kind of true because I am not making any revenue from the podcast as of yet or not making any revenue in my business as of right now. So it's caused me during these last 12 weeks, especially because I was gung -ho sharing a lot of information back in September, I realized I wanted to become or wanted to embody a version of myself of being a manifestation coach.
and abundance coach and sharing a lot more of that experience with you, like sharing my money healing and all that. And it's been so, it was so beautiful. And so after coming back from Sedona was a reality check in where I am right now. And it caused me to have a dialogue with myself constantly feeling like I should be doing more. Like I'm not doing enough. Like,
My audience is probably thinking, where are you? Like, what is she doing? Like, she was so like, you know, 111 % for a good three months and then she fell off the face of the earth and like, she's not there anymore. And so it's caused me to feel really guilty about not providing an update of like where I am right now. And so that's why I've created this podcast episode to share with you exactly, you know, where I am.
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in this life right now. So I will get to that in just a moment. So all the things that I've shared thus far and has now come to the place where I am in this moment. And I believe these feelings were definitely underneath the surface, but I was so heartbroken and so distracted in my emotions.
from September to December, and even through the beginning of this year to really acknowledge where I am right now. And if you know the stages of grief, I can't rattle them off by memory at this moment, but I know that anger is one of the first ones, and then bargaining, and then you get into a depression. And so I feel like because of putting back those puzzle pieces together and putting them together,
pulling the energy back into myself and really just taking care of myself minimally. I've been going through like a state of winter. I don't necessarily like calling it depression, but a state of like non -action, let's say, which it has been. It's been winter. We are now in the spring equinox, thank goodness. And we're now in Aries season, yay. But again, for the last like 11 some weeks, I was in this place of complete winter and not doing the...
really doing the minimal work. And so these feelings that I'm about to share with you is a result of all the energy and effort that I've done over the last like three years of my life. And I believe that they've been there underneath the surface. But again, I was too heartbroken and too in my fields to acknowledge those feelings. And this is the part of the podcast episode and this is the
part of which that is I'm going to be sharing with you raw and authentically what the things I've been thinking and going through most recently within the last couple of weeks and even in the last couple of days. And I feel like it's a compilation or a compaction of all the things that have occurred since I've started this healing journey. And it's...
Sarita (39:42.561)
like the ripple effect, like just like when COVID occurred, right? It was like, it took a long time for people to get back on their feet again and like live life, quote unquote, normally. And I always liked the image of throwing a pebble on one end of the pond. I would say like, let's think of it like a larger lake or something like a boulder at one end of the lake. And then you see the ripple effects and you don't really, it's not as intense, but you still feel it.
And that's how I feel right now. It's like a compilation of all the things that I've been feeling, all the things. And so what's come up to the surface most recently and where I'm at right now in this particular spot in my life is that I have been feeling really lost. I've been feeling cheated out of life. I feel like I've been gypped.
I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick. I feel like I've been receiving very minimally and I've been receiving like breadcrumbs from that. And so it's those feelings, obviously in a place of scarcity, I'm very much aware of that, right? And this is something that I've talked about before where it's like to heal, to actually feel abundant, we need to heal those scarcity wounds. And so...
the scarcity wounding for me that I've acknowledged and realized about myself is that I feel cheated. I feel gypped and I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick and gotten the breadcrumbs because the last like however years of my life, right? Most especially vibrantly aware in my mind now from 2023. And again, a lot of podcasts episodes I've shared around this, but again, I think it was 16 and 31.
more specifically realizing that my over giver ends up shutting down. And so my worth and my value have come from just giving, giving, giving. And so what has made me feel these feelings of animosity and frustration and salty and skepticism and closed off and angry and resentful and all these things has been in response to
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the fact that I've been giving so fucking much and I've been giving so much with no boundaries, with no like, with literally pouring from my cup with no boundaries. And I've basically created, you know, created the scenario that I'm in right now because of the choices I've made in the past. And so again,
I believe in a higher power. I believe in the magic of the universe. I believe in God. I believe in like sources that are stronger than me. And so that's the part where I'm frustrated at this moment in my life is that I have given so much. I have given so much of my business. I've given so much away for free. I have, I've coached for free. I've done things for free. I've like just done, I've given so much and created so much and done so much of my business. And yet.
I haven't received little to no money. I have given so much in like last three relationships and I've received, I don't have a boyfriend. I still don't have somebody in my life. And so this is the part, this is where I'm at right now is that I've gotten angry and maybe this is the bargaining aspect, the anger and the bargaining aspect with the universe.
where I've said and I've been on my knees, I've been yelling, I've been frustrated and I've said to the universal energies to God and I've just said something to the capacity of what the actual fuck. I have been giving so much. I have done so much healing. How much more? I've gone to the depths of the depth. I've given so much in my podcast. I've given so much in my social media. I've just been giving, giving.
giving, giving your relationships, giving my friendships, giving like, and I've been receiving so little in return. And so I get mad and I've said things like, give me a fucking break. When is it going to be my turn? Throw me a bone already. I know that I'm meant to make massive fucking impact. And yet my money is not here. I'm angry that my money isn't here. I'm angry that I haven't attracted.
Sarita (44:25.217)
the man of my dreams. I'm angry and frustrated and heartbroken that I've been an entrepreneurial failure. All this is very, very challenging for me to share with you. And as someone who believes in the body and spirituality, my throat is hurting very bad right now as I share this. This particular area of our body is called the manifesting center.
And these are some of the things that I've been saying out to the universe out of anger and frustration. Yet, very interestingly enough, these are things that have needed to come forward. And I'll talk about that in a second. So when I've had these dialogues and conversations with the higher power that be the questions that keep spinning in my head, and this is what's been happening most recently. And I shared this with a friend in a voice note not too long ago.
is that the questions that are spinning in my head questions are like somebody who is from a personal development background and a spiritual background. I'm constantly looking to improve myself and I ask questions like, and again, these questions are usually out of anger and frustration, but they are valid good questions. So what do I need to do differently? What is not working? Do I need to work harder? Do I need to move to a new?
Am I not meant to be a coach anymore? Do I need to work on my mindset more? Do I need to get better at receiving? Is my abundance mindset off? Do I need to do more work around abundance? Do I need to heal my money wounds more? Like what am I fucking doing wrong? Do I need to do more? Do I need to do less? Like what needs to change?
And then I go down a rabbit hole of like other manifestation coaches and coaches out there are making like millions of dollars, thousands of dollars. Why can't I? Other women have found the man of their life. Other women have found the man of their dreams, excuse me, and they've married him. Other spiritual people have so many followers and so many comments and I have like very anything. What am I doing wrong?
Sarita (46:54.305)
What am I not doing enough? What needs to change? Right? Like all these questions. As you can see, a lot of these questions are positioned in a place of not only scarcity, but victimhood. Victimhood was probably one of the biggest epiphanies that I had during my transformational coaching program that I went through back in 2022.
where people just kept saying like, you're a victim, you're acting like a victim, you are acting like a victim. And it was because of my relationship with my ex that I acted out of victimhood. I acknowledge these feelings are not necessarily a place that I wanna stay, stay for a long time. And like I said, when I have been on this like self care diet, right? I've been very, very conscious about not taking in other people's things.
So when I see stuff, when I see stuff fluffy online around healing and manifestation and beautiful sunshine and rainbows and happy, happy, happy manifestation world that's pink and fluffy and beautiful, I shut it down and I say, no, it's not like that. It's not like that. That is the side of healing. That is the side of spirituality. That is the side of manifestation.
that people want you to see. Even some of the people that I love and respect in the manifestation and personal development and all that, you are seeing the versions of them that have worked really, really, really, really hard to get there or put in a lot of effort, I should say, to get there. And so you're seeing the manifestation of all their efforts and you're seeing like, you know, the Fendi bags and the nice cars and all this stuff, right?
And they're in a place where the ease and flow is wonderful for them, which is amazing. And I love that. And it may not be your journey right now, just like mine. Yes, I am so fortunate. I do have a lot of ease and flow in my life yet. This ride, this ride y 'all has been fucking challenging. Like I just crossed my eyes because it was like so fucking challenging. I am so.
Sarita (49:16.325)
exhausted and tired and frustrated and if I hear another coach tell me or say if you just open yourself up and receive then you can like you know manifest your life and your dreams and although that's beautiful light fluffy and clouds and rainbows and spiritually speaking yes there is a lot more fucking work that needs to be put
into this. And I think that's where I get really frustrated is that still to this day in 2024, people are not sharing how challenging it is. It's been a three and a half year ride, y 'all. And again, these feelings of failure are very prevalent in my life. However, I still keep showing up, right?
I'm still here in this podcast episode. I'm still here. Even though I've been feeling salty and closed off and all the things that I shared with you, those feelings of animosity and skepticism, all that, I still keep showing up. And what is the most beautiful thing that we really don't talk about in the healing spaces as often?
Because we talk about more of like the heartbreak and the sadness and it's okay to move through things. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to feel these emotions, right? And we are as a society more accepting to people that are going through these things, much more accepting. But when it comes to like anger and bitterness and frustration and like all these things that are kind of yucky feelings that you don't really like to.
stay in very long. We don't talk about that very often. And that's why I'm sharing this podcast episode with you is that I've been heartbroken for so long. I've created my own heartbrokenness, right? With decisions that I've made and things like that. And of course, as like I said, I believe in a higher power. I believe in a higher being that is constantly guiding me and showing me and like, and.
Sarita (51:38.913)
and allowing me to experience the things that I need to experience as a human also while tapping in and trusting the process and stuff. But I've created a lot of my reality. I've created my reality myself, right? And I've created this like heartbreak myself. And I'm not saying this in order for you to feel sorry for me. That's not my intention by any means. My intention with this episode is to share with you how heartbreaking it can be.
in making certain decisions. However, it's totally fucking okay to be angry with where you are in life or upset or not necessarily happy. It's totally okay to feel these feelings. And that is where I'm finding a lot more compassion for myself.
is that even though that I've been feeling salty and closed off and animosity that I'm allowing myself to be angry. I've allowed myself to feel these emotions. I've allowed myself to feel the resentment. I've allowed myself to go through this chapter. I've allowed myself to pick up the pieces and put them together. And it's okay that
my business is on hold for a little while until I put myself together. And it's okay that I'm creating minimal content because of the chapter that I'm in. And it's okay that I'm in, have been in a winter chapter. And it's okay that I didn't share the parts of myself with you because I was worried about what people would think and the judgment that I would receive. It's okay.
that I have gone through this experience because now I know that I don't want to be that way. And now I know that I get to have a lot more compassion for myself. And now I know that I get to operate in a different way. And for somebody who's really deep into personal development and spirituality, I'm constantly assessing what's working and what's not working. And...
Sarita (54:05.345)
I'm going through this phase in my life right now where I'm acknowledging the fears that are really holding me back in becoming the person that I am meant to become, right? And I acknowledge that all these emotions that I've been feeling, the ones that I've shared with you, that I was scared to share with you, right? Because I was scared about what you'd think, but I'm human as well. And that these emotions,
They don't define me. They don't define Sarita. They don't define who I am. My anger, my resentment, all those things. I'm not defined by that. These are feelings alone and the beauty of emotions and the beauty of feelings and the beauty of healing in general is that you get to discover what's underneath the surface.
And once you discover what's underneath the surface, you get to draw that shit out and you get to let go of it. And I'm a better person because of it. Just sharing this podcast episode with you is healing me. And my hope is that this episode as well, and not just this episode, but my whole podcast in general is moving you is moving your heart is moving your mind is moving your body is.
Helping you know that you're not alone. You're not the only one experiencing these human emotions that we go through every single day. And that that is what makes us uniquely us is that we get to experience life like this. As tumultuous, as frustrating, as challenging as it can be, this is life.
And I love it. And I'm so grateful that I've been able to experience all of this, even as challenging as it is, even when I'm on my knees screaming to the universe, screaming to God, being like, what the actual fuck are you doing with my life? And so I'm blaming. Even in those moments, I feel so grateful that I actually can feel, that I can feel those feelings.
Sarita (56:28.609)
and the feelings are coming up and then I get to experience them because what's life without experiences? What's life without emotions? What's life without all that stuff? I think it's not really life. And so now just today, oh, my surroundings are a little bit different too if you're watching this on YouTube, but I've had the opportunity to house sit.
one beach north of where I live. And it's been so magical to get out of my everyday mundane. And it's been so wonderful being able to just take my work from home stuff to a new location and work somewhere. And so I've been feeling just as last week that there's a shift in energy. And that has to do with number one, my environment has changed a little bit. Number two, it's the astrological new year. Yay, we're in Aries season.
Spring equinox just occurred. So we are in a new season. We are actually in spring. People forget that we have the Gregorian calendar and the Gregorian calendar ends in December and then starts in January. Yet astrologically, meaning of the stars and higher power, universal energies, the new year actually commences with Aries season, which is March 20th.
20th, 21st, 20th, yeah. Sometimes I see March 19th, but usually March 20th is when the astrological new year Aries is the first sign in the zodiac. I'm an Aries, so I love being first. And it's a time now of, I mean, the earth is changing. If you're living in, even living in Southern California, to be honest with you, I see like some changes. There's the feeling of rebirth and new.
opportunities, new growth. I mean, everything spring, Easter is coming very early this year, but it's exciting as we commence a new season and get in into kind of the newness of this year. And I personally feel like there's been a little bit of a shift in transition in that, and I'm excited for more to come. Thank you so much.
Sarita (58:46.465)
For being here in this episode with me, I really, really do hope that it was impactful to you, helpful to you. Please share this with somebody. I would love to have more people impacted by this podcast. If you're seeing this on YouTube, just share the link. If you are listening to this on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Do the little tap and share the episode with somebody. Let them know that it's okay to have these human emotions. Let them know that it's okay to be moving through the emotions that we really don't talk about too much. The anger and the animosity and all the things. And that it's okay for them to be right where they are in their life, as it is for you to be right where you are in life.
Again, thank you so much. I can't wait for you to be in the next episode with me. I am your host Sarita. We will see you next time. And as always, keep being the amazing you that you are. Take care.
